Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Randomize
