So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
