My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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