The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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