You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Last time i carry you out of a forest
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
