I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
