Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
