I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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