hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
