Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
