I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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