roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
