I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
