I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
