This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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