Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
