Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
