Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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