there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
