Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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