Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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