Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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