I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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