I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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