i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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