I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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