Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
