Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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