East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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