I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
