I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
