That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
