new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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