Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize