Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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