haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
