He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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