Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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