yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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