Your face is a jimmy john
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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