My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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