So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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