I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
