Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
