you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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