Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
