He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
