Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
