Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
