Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
