sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
