This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
