Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
