Your dad touched me again.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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